Those of you who follow my blog know my husband and I lost a daughter eleven years ago. Michelle’s death plunged us into deep, inky waters of grief. While struggling just to survive we were blind-sided by Grief’s ugly-step-sisters—Secondary Losses.
Grief is an unwelcome guest who stays much too long, not pretty at all, who plunges the family into chaos. But Secondary Losses are the evil relatives of Grief that slip in the back-door and linger forever. They litter the landscape with shrapnel-sized-shards of anguish that are often as difficult to deal with as the original loss.
Worse yet, they lurk behind the shadow of family members, good friends, even making appearances at happy events. Ever waiting to earn the greatest buck-for-the-bang and then they implode. The injuries they inflict are not terminal, but often perpetrate permanent disabilities upon their victims.
So what in the world are secondary losses?
Well, they’re certainly not bashful. Their name shouts their identity—a related loss that evolves out of the original loss. An additional loss that strikes when you least expect it, when you are most vulnerable.
Like the granddaughter whose grandmother died this year. Her Mimi was the glue that held the family together. Several weeks after her death, grandpa announced he wanted all her stuff out of the house and wanted nothing to do with the rest of the family. Ever. No more Sunday dinners at grandma’s. No more visiting the home that stored a lifetime of memories for this teen. No more relationship with the grandfather she had loved. Three secondary losses that left this grandchild shattered.
When an infant dies, the parents loose their future—their dreams. There will be no first steps, first words. No smiles or hugs. No first day at school. The list multiplies. For years after a baby’s tragic demise, secondary losses accumulate, building a wall of separation and blame between the couple. Unless the grieving couple gets help, more often than not, their marriage disintegrates.
When a husband or wife dies the spouse will most likely remarry. The family is swept up in a reconstruction zone. Where the flood waters of grief mix with the dust of new construction and can cause a murky mess. Often there are too many in-laws for the new mom or dad to deal with. These secondary relational losses impact everyone—kids, grandparents, aunts, uncles and yes, sometimes even family friends. Holidays, birthdays, and special events change or are forever lost.
The loss of an older child results in the loss of an expected future for the entire family. The role that child played in the family circle sits vacant. For siblings, it’s a wrenching or splitting apart of the oneness that brothers and sisters enjoy that leaves them empty. Half of a whole. If the siblings were twins, many more layers are involved.
The aging process robs us of our parents. While they may be sick and ready to leave this life, there are secondary losses even with an expected departure. You and I are moved up—next in line. We unwillingly become the matriarchs and patriarchs of the family. The structure of the family changes. Everything changes. And we don’t like change.
So what are we to do with these loose strings of grief that tangle, knot, and upset our lives? Are we doomed to a life of grief? No. Not at all. But we must travel those dark corridors. Not climbing over, tunneling under, nor sneaking around the pain. We must work through the grief. And it is work. Left to itself, grief will make you bitter. With God’s help and comfort you will become better. But it’s your choice.
We must understand and accept that it is alright to grieve. It is necessary to grieve. It is normal to grieve. And yes, Christians must grieve. Grief is the normal reaction when someone we love dies.
Tears are the safety valve God has given the pressure cooker of our injured hearts and our shattered dreams. I tell my GriefShare folks they must cry 5,395 times during this sorrowful journey, so they’d best get started. Scripture tells us God saves our tears in a bottle. (NAS Psalm 56:8).
Strength and ability to endure great tragedy and loss comes from the power of God, through the Word of God, and the comfort of the Holy Spirit. There is no true healing from this traumatic life experience outside of the touch of the Lord, Jesus Christ. Oh, you can stuff your agony into the depths of your heart. But I promise you, if you bury grief alive, there will be a resurrection one day, and it won’t be pretty.
So let’s determine to walk together in this wretched journey for the next few weeks and I’ll introduce you to several prescriptions that will bring you safely to the other side of this horrendous event, if you’ll follow the Great Physician’s orders.
Prescription #1 – GriefShare is a Christ based support group that is a safe place to empty all the pain and anguish threatening to drown you. Go online to www.GriefShare.org and click Find A Group to locate a group near you.
Next week we’ll talk about how to manage those nasty secondary losses.
Only you could have written this piece. Your fingerprints are all over it and so are His. Beautiful. Will share with those in my group. Nite nite dear friend.
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Thanks Barbara. Please share with anyone this will help.
DiAne
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DiAne you always have the words to express the feelings we all have. So beautifully written. I have someone in mind to share this with that I know will make a difference.
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Mary, eleven years after beginning this journey I am more convinced than ever that God never wastes anything. You and I have watched as God has brought person after person into our lives who need the benefit of directions along this rocky road of grief. Please share these next few weeks with those you know are struggling. And may God give you His wisdom as you do.
DiAne
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Well said, DiAne. I lost my baby brother when he was 35. It’s been more than 20 years and yet, it still touches the family when we gather. Thankfully, everyone has chosen the Comforter over the bitter pill. I’m grateful to have the memories of things I did with my bro that still make me smile.
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wonderful publish, very informative. I’m wondering why the other specialists of this sector do not notice this. You should continue your writing. I’m confident, you’ve a huge readers’ base already!
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Secondary losses as grief’s ugly step-sisters…quite an interesting description!! 🙂
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Thank you Rebecca. Join the discussion and give us your perspective. And thanks for subscribing.
DiAne
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My partner and I absolutely love your blog and find the
majority of your post’s to be exactly what I’m looking for.
Do you offer guest writers to write content for you personally?
I wouldn’t mind creating a post or elaborating on most of the subjects you write with regards to here. Again, awesome weblog!
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Bernice, you are welcomed to enter the discussion under comments. I only allow guest appearances from writers I know personally. Sorry.
DiAne
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Thank you, for a much needed but painful topic. GRIEF the culprit that caused a long journey of depression & dispair. Born in a generaton of dysfuntion, with parents that were unable to express or even share feelings. This causes each person to be stuck in all those negative emotions, therefore not moving forward. Thank the Lord for faithful servants like you, willing to hang in with angry, bitter hurt people.There difinately is hope if one is willing to do the work. I lost my dear grandad at 13 he was one significant person in my life that new how to make me feel so special. With no one to share those sad feelings with, later as adult, doctor diagnoised me with chronic depression. From the loss of our only son, which battled for three long years with luekemia. This was a journey that led me to get help. The valcano of years of grief finaly exploded. Surrendering to God & with godly counsel He brought In my life. Im able to know HIS GREAT HOPE & PEACE that brings true freedom. Now I share the story of hope ever chance I can. There is no reason a person should suffer bitterness & hopelessness. Griefshare is a godsend, and afordable for all. With wonderful benefits. Keep, keeping on. A great vs. has helped, Jeremiah 6:14 (TLB), ” You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there!” So find a safe & CHRIST centered group to find healing & see you are not the lone ranger to grief. JESUS is the PRINCE OF PEACE praise Him. LUV Deborah.
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Deborah, words of wisdom from one who has walked the walk. I hope others listen and seek help from a local GriefShare group.
DiAne
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We have a griefshare class @ our church. Very needed. I agree about the secondary losses. My daughter & son-in-law lost their baby girl. My husband & I still grieve over the loss of our granddaughter. Every year about this time 8/28, we think Cylie would be 17 now. What would she be like?
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Great post DiAne! You are absolutely right about secondary losses. I feel like they go hand-in-hand, and often times dealing with the “major” loss is overwhelming enough–let alone the secondary losses.
Thanks for the reminder to put it in HIS hands!
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Jenn, thanks for visiting the blog and for your encouraging comments. I hope you will be a regular visitor. This week we will be talking about how to manage those secondary losses.
DiAne
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I blog frequently and I really thank you for your information.
This great article has really peaked my interest. I am going to
take a note of your website and keep checking for new information about once a week.
I opted in for your RSS feed too.
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Thank you for visiting my site Anthony. I post on Friday evening. Late. To ensure rapid delivery of new posts please subscribe. Love to have you enter the discussion.
DiAne
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Great article.
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Thanks for reading and commenting, Zella. Hope you’ll become a regular on our blog site.
DiAne
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Reblogged this on MOVING THE ANCIENT BOUNDARIES and commented:
Many of you know my husband went home to be with the Lord a little over a week ago. I’d love to tell you one trip through grief makes the next one easier…maybe…maybe not. Every grief is unique. But I thought maybe some of you missed this series when I first posted in 2012…and I’m rereading and learning too. Many blessings and the peace of God’s comfort to each one of you grieving the loss of a loved one.
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I did not realize your loss. I am very sorry.
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I know deep grief can result from deep losses. If a person is not close to a parent (not a favorite child, as I was not) the grief seems shallow and instead of a sense of loss, there seems to be guilt at not feeling grief. From an unhappy childhood to a very happy marriage, the loss of parents seemed only timely and natural to me. Not a lot of sadness there. More matter-of-fact, really.
Is that also normal? Are some people just more practical or more attached to the heavenly or simply not very attached to people in general?
I wonder if I’m a time bomb, just waiting for a very long fuse to finally strike the right spark… Hoping not…
I am not a heartless person. Just maybe more like the man in Sarah Plain and Tall…???
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And I’m very, very sorry for your loss!
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This is timely. My brother and his family have decided I do not fit in with their fashionable life and have excluded me. Very hurtful. Not death exactly but may as well be.
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ekurie…it is a death…probably as painful as someone dying, because the difficult part is they’re still here to irritate the pain they cause day after day, after day. I’m so sorry. It is sooo hurtful in so many ways. I hope you can give them to the Lord and leave them there. Pray for them, because they obviously don’t know Jesus or are refusing to follow the Word. I’ve had to learn Jesus is enough. Enough in spite of everything. For different reasons my brother and his family were estranged from us too. But when we have no control over those seeking to hurt us, the only thing and the most powerful thing…is just give ’em to Jesus and leave them there. He’s the only one who changes hearts.
Then trust Him to bring about a conclusion in His time. But remember He loves your brother and his family so much He gives them the right to choose too…His way or the wrong way.
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Katharine, you’re not a time bomb…and you’ve probably grieved more than you know over the loss of a healthy parent/child relationship. False guilt is a fiery dart from Satan. You must first determine if it’s false guilt or if you’re truly guilty of being whatever you’ve named it. My guess is it’s false guilt. Not all parents are loving and kind…maybe because their parents weren’t kind or loving to them…learned behavior. Some people shy away from relationships for fear of being hurt…again.
One thing I know is we have a Father in heaven who doesn’t break His promises. And we have a Savior who loved you and me enough to be crucified…died a horrid death…so we could be with Him forever.
My folks grew up in less than stellar homes. They knew nothing about God, Jesus or anything about salvation. While a neighbor led them to Jesus when I was little, behavioral habits were already formed. They took care of us, but I can’t say it was a loving home. When I look back on their history my heart hurts for them and for my brother and I. And I’m bettin’ your parents were about the same as mine. But those were different times. They didn’t have all the knowledge about the necessity of loving, encouraging, and lifting up children. In most homes at that time children were looked upon as another mouth to feed. Remember…don’t know about you, but we grew up with one bathroom…thank goodness it was indoors, no air conditioning…a small house…and lived hand to mouth…we were poor, only I didn’t know it.
Through the years, I’ve found when anything…I mean anything…bothers me, I take it to Jesus. Continually, until He answers. Sometimes it’s not the answer I want and He convicts my heart of what I need to do. More often than not, He gives me His comfort and the peace of His presence. At my old age, I’m learning that regardless of what I think I’ve missed…Jesus is enough! ❤
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DiAne, Your strength is amazing. Writing heals . . . and you’re writing heals others. Thank you for sharing and for being such a great witness for WHO to rely on as we go down these paths none of us would choose to walk.
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God allows storms in our lives so we can learn and then we’re to encourage others by what He’s taught us. Storms aren’t one bit fun, but it makes them easier to bear when we know God has a purpose for allowing them. I’ve read some in Job this past week and I sure don’t want to be like Job’s wife. Sure do miss seeing y’all…maybe in a month or so I’ll be able to come back.
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